Did you see what I did with the title there? Is it a review of a crappy book or merely a crappy review of a book? Or (drumroll) maybe both?
Allow me to explain. I read bad books. That is, I read fantasy books, most of which are, alas, terrible. As if that’s not bad enough, I also read the fantasy fiction based on Dungeons and Dragons, which is what’s left after you’ve scraped the bottom of that deep fantasy barrel.
For the uninitiated reader, I should provide some background to the particular crime against literature that is the majority of this particular genre.
There is a campaign setting for Dungeons and Dragons called Forgotten Realms, that has been around since first edition AD&D after Gary Gygax got the boot and TSR (the former producers of the game) de-emphasised the World of Greyhawk (Gygax’s campaign world, also the setting for some truly horrible novels written by Gygax himself). Forgotten Realms is an improbable potboiler of a world, full of opportunities for regular adventures on which your party of nerdly adventurers can embark. It is also the setting for a remarkably large number of bad fantasy books, too numerous to mention although I will give my normal shout-out for R.A. Salvatore as the dodgiest producer of fantasy fiction this side of the apparently self-adoring and inexplicably popular Terry Goodkind (purveyor of “Wizard’s First Rule” and other snorefests).
Anyhow, perhaps I am imagining it, but there seems to be a strain of Forgotten Realms literature which attempts to paint the Realms in a more ‘realistic’ light, with morally ambivalent characters and more sophisticated political issues. I could be imagining that, however; when one has read enough of this sort of material, a creeping numbness (arguably an essential prerequisite for intellectual survival) could be responsible for hiding emerging themes or, alternatively, for creating phantoms. In any case, this book is in that, albeit possibly imaginary, tradition of creeping Forgotten Realms fantasy realism.
It’s not that all the Forgotten Realms books are bad. One of the earliest of the readable ones was “Azure Bonds” by Jeff Grubb and Kate Novak which, although it loses its way somewhat, was enjoyable enough for the AD&D player with an interest in the Realms. For that matter, “Cormyr” by Ed Greenwood (Realms creator) And Jeff Grubb (again) also has a certain charm for that same reader (to wit, me). Other Realms authors — Lisa Smedman, for example — whilst giving the impression that the payday is not sufficiently large to merit the A-game effort, do manage to at least pique the interest, and lessen the bank balance, of that Realms-interested D&Der.
Which brings me to Neversfall, an apparently standalone (fantasy is also sorely beset by trilogies and longer series, but that’s for another post) novel from the “Citadels” series and written by Ed Gentry. Let me say first that it’s not a crappy book at all, at least not in a bad way. Why, then, is my post entitled “crappy book reviews: I”? I am glad that you asked. I bought the book somewhat expecting it to be crap, which, coupled with the realisation that the recommendations from other authors on the back of the book appeared to be limited to other Forgotten Realms authors, encouraged me to post a review of the expectedly crappy book. There are some other sites that review these books, but not (at least that I have seen) from my perspective as someone dementedly driven to read many, many of them whilst nevertheless hating most of them and always commencing the reading them with low expectations. A clear gap in the market, I thought to myself. There must be literally tens of other people like me, possibly some of whom aren’t my brother or Rojas and who, thus, might be attracted to the groaning smorgasbord of godness that is The Crossed Pond.
So the thing is that the book’s not all that bad. That’s a potential problem when you’ve already decided that the series will be entitled ‘Crappy Book Reviews’ but, to be fair, I suspect that much of the book-buying public that isn’t locked in a desperate embrace with disappointing fantasy literature whilst also being lamentably unfamiliar with the Forgotten Realms D&D campaign world would consider every single Forgotten Realms book to be crappy. We are, after all, grading on something of a front-loaded curve. Consequently, this one, at least in terms of the post title, is for you, people that like to be seen reading Booker Prize nominees.
Well the book is shortish, so Gentry doesn’t get to spend much time establishing things. Spoilers follow.
We have prim and proper elite force leader, assistant elite force leader with tortured family past for which he (justifiably) feels considerable guilt as his own primness effectively caused it and we have capable mercenary leader who once wanted to be in that elite force despite her father being a rich and important merchant but realised she wasn’t eligible because of her nationality so became an ass-kicking mercenary instead. There is politics afoot. There’s a strict religion to which they all belong. They are all sent to secure a great Keep, Neversfall, in the middle of scary nowhere, from which reports have gone mysteriously quiet.
There are antmen. They are creepy unemotional slavers who use mind control to do the slaving. The Keep is deserted. Our heroes occupy the keep but are attacked by masked men who are steadily killing them off. Reinforcements are summoned. People keep getting killed. Treachery is afoot! It’s OK in the end, other than for the people that got killed, who probably aren’t too happy.
The problem is that it’s hard to engage in the story and there’s no time for Gentry to develop the themes anyhow. The uncertainties of the main characters are somewhat uninteresting because they’re not developed enough for us to care. The tortured assistant commander of the elite troops and the mercenary leader could have plenty of other stuff to do afterwards, but there is no afterwards in the book, no Scouring of the Shire (but hopefully if it had happened it would have been more interesting than the Scouring of the Shire was in Lord of the Rings, which was second only to the endless tedious trek of Frodo, Sam and Gollum to Mordor for boredom). Sure, we can fill that stuff in but we could just not have read the book at all and filled in an entire story of our own choosing, instead. Furthermore, it doesn’t sound like a very interesting place in which to conduct future Dungeons and Dragons adventures either, nor is there a great deal of regional flavour to add to future adventures in the Shining South (the part of the Forgotten Realms where the book is set).
So, in summary, not the worst Forgotten Realms book but not good, either, nor interestingly bad. A solid 3/10 by conventional standards and a 6/10 by Forgotten Realms standards.