Posted by Rojas @ 5:18 pm on March 13th 2008

Stripy menace update

There’s no point in distinguishing between “killer bees” and the relatively good kind. They’re ALL killers. Savage, remorseless killers. Now that a beagle has been martyred in the cause, will Andrew Sullivan take notice?

Posted by Adam @ 6:18 pm on February 19th 2008

By their stripes shall ye know them

frogfromhell.jpg

Giant evil prehistoric frogs?

Stripes. The Mark of Evil.

Posted by Rojas @ 6:28 pm on December 25th 2007

Bees on Earth; goodwill towards men.

Merry Christmas to The Crossed Pond! A gift of a beehive and beekeeper training has been sent to a needy family somewhere in the world, in recognition of TheCrossedPond’s dedication to bee-related causes.

Heifer International provides livestock and training so that families can improve nutrition and earn income for health care, shelter and education for children. Each gift multiplies because every family that receives a Heifer animal promises to “pass on the gift” by giving one or more of their animal’s offspring and knowledge to another family in need.

The gift that keeps on stinging. Much thanks to our reader(s).

Posted by Rojas @ 2:39 am on December 17th 2007

The stripy menace endorses

The bees have selected their candidate. I guess we know who TCP WON’T be backing.

Posted by Brad @ 3:56 pm on December 14th 2007

Camp Hillary Beginning to Sting Itself To Death

There have been few critics of all things Clintonia from the left as kos. All throughout the campaign he, like I, hasn’t put much stock in Clinton’s inevitability aura or high poll numbers. I’ve had different theories about why that’s not so important, but kos’ is worth taking a look at too:

Hillary has put together a sort of “coalition” team of consultants and advisors, spanning the ideological spectrum of the party. My reasoning was that this coalition would hold so long as she was in the lead. But as the other candidates got better known and she started slipping, that coalition would fray and they’d start using the press to fight their internal turf battles, further accelerating her decline.

Essentially, that the moment the campaign began hitting a bit of friction in the road, they’d start doing donuts. The idea behind it, though unarticulated by kos, is that with no discernible ideology or even rationale behind the campaign, what you get instead is a very well-organized beehive, but full of bees of all kinds of different species. They’re held together on sheer functionality, influence, and the fact that it’s the biggest hive in town. They work well enough, even being a humming model of efficiency and power…until somebody starts taking out chunks of comb, at which point they all go apeshit and start stinging each other to death.

What that analogy lacks in scientific accuracy, it makes up for in prognosticability!

On the eve of the final Iowa debate before the Jan. 3 caucuses, Clinton campaign insiders are increasingly questioning the cautious, poll-driven approach taken by Mark Penn, Hillary Rodham Clinton’s top political aide, sources familiar with the situation say.

With Clinton barely holding her own against Barack Obama and John Edwards in Iowa, dissatisfaction is growing with Penn, who some say has mistakenly run Clinton as a de facto incumbent.

“There are two people who have come up with this strategy — one Hillary Clinton and one Mark Penn,” said a top Clinton ally, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Mark wanted to run her, basically, for re-election, and we are seeing what happened.”

Said another Clinton camper: “The heat’s on Mark. … He’s got a lot of enemies.”

Kos has a post synthesizing these things that’s worth taking a look at, sans strained bee analogies.

Posted by Adam @ 9:24 pm on December 5th 2007

This time, they have gone too far

We have been catalogueing, for some time, the vile excesses of the world’s bees, giant communist collectives plotting the downfall of God, truth, the American way, apple pie, white picket fences and the right to shoot your senile neighbour who accidentally wandered onto your land.

This time, however, the bees have elevated their wickedness to obscene levels as they interrupt a cricket match. A test match, no less.

This is, has to be, war.

Posted by Mark @ 3:51 pm on November 27th 2007

An Ancient Evil Stirs

There is, I think we can all agree an ongoing media conspiracy, intent on restricting certain information from reaching the masses.

This group of shadowy figures has actively intimidated journalists who report on this, obfuscated or shut down outlets that publish on this, or sometimes these reporters simply disappear.

And yet there is now an organisation out there willing to risk everything to compile and host all information available on the web in one place.

This bastion of freedom is the holy grail for those of us aware of the menace that is killer bees.

The worlds first Compendium of Killer Bee Attacks.

It makes for a sobering read, and is not for the faint of heart. Be warned.

I think I can speak on behalf of TCP when I say, if we ever endorse any product, it would be the Sting Shield Insect Veil.

Posted by Adam @ 3:27 pm on November 20th 2007

The bee in the machine

Because what we need is for computers to behave like bees.

Think of it as bees, humanity’s eternal stripy adversary, zipping around the planet at the speed of light, into your home, your workplace, wherever you take your laptop.

DON’T DO IT.

You fools. You damn beautiful bastard fools.

Posted by James @ 1:44 pm on September 12th 2007

The Big Bee-zee

‘Killer Bees’ Descend on New Orleans

MERAUX, La. (AP) – Africanized honeybees, a fierce hybrid strain sometimes referred to as “killer bees,” appear to have established themselves in the New Orleans area, the state agriculture commissioner said.

A swarm of the bees was captured about five miles from where demolition workers found a colony of Africanized bees in January, commissioner Bob Odom said Tuesday.

The most recent find was close enough to the earlier find that the bees might have come from the same colony. But they might also have flown ashore from a passing ship or barge, Odom said in a news release.

“Although the exact source can’t be identified, we have to assume Africanized honeybees are now established in the area and people should be careful when working outside,” Odom said.

The Department of Agriculture and Forestry keeps traps along a north-south line through the state and at all deepwater ports to monitor the bees, which are smaller and more aggressive than the European honeybees raised for honey.

“Because Africanized bees have been labeled ‘killer bees’ for years, there’s an idea around that they are bigger than European honeybees,” Odom said. “The truth is they’re actually smaller but a lot fiercer.”

Next stop, upstate New York.

Posted by Adam @ 3:52 pm on September 6th 2007

Australian bees buzzing in to the rescue?

It may be that a virus present in healthy Australian bees is causing ‘colony collapse disorder’ amongst feeble American bees.

Also:

Bee researchers will now look for stresses that may combine to kill bees.

Damn right. Attack is the best form of defense. Take that, stripy Agents of Evil.

Posted by Adam @ 12:24 pm on August 31st 2007

Fighting back against the bee menace

Enterprising spiders in Texas have spun a 650-foot long web.

In the eternal battle of bee and spider, there can be only one.

Posted by Rojas @ 12:50 pm on August 21st 2007

They’re not even being subtle about it anymore

Once again, people react to fear by rushing into totalitarianism. In this case, our 9/11 is colony collapse disorder, sparking an open call in The Times of London for a Bee Master.

The mere thought of it gives me hives.

Posted by Rojas @ 1:50 am on June 30th 2007

GAAAAAAH!

Posted by Adam @ 6:54 am on June 27th 2007

Beware bee propaganda

Last week, the bees fired an opening PR salvo, using their now well-known total control of humourous magazine, The Onion, to taunt us. Now, via Wonkette, we have what can only be described as the secret temple of a shadowy bee cult. Bees are claiming that they are responsible for a wonder drug, they have gotten their agenda high in Congressional priorities and themselves onto the nation’s stamps.

The bees are coming. Bee skeptical of what you hear and read (apart from what you read on these pages).

Posted by Adam @ 8:13 am on June 22nd 2007

Bees invade Essex town

It has begun. The buzzing march to a New World Order commences in the British town of Hoddesdon.

As many as 30,000 of the stinging insects formed a black cloud on Tuesday as they tried to colonise buildings in Burford Street and High Street, including the historic Clock Tower.

Shoppers and passers-by rushed indoors to escape the swarm, which council workers feared would attack members of the public.

David Sorrentino, the owner of nearby Changes Hair Salon, said: “There were a lot of worried people around. You wouldn’t think it’d happen in Hoddesdon.

“It’s one of those things you think would happen in Texas.” Dave Tully, who was working in the town at the time, sprung into action to warn mothers and children about the swarm.

“They were swarming for quite a bit before they started to congregate on the side of a building,” he said.

“When they started to group back together it was about the size of a car windscreen. The shops kept shut.”

Brave, brave Dave Tully. We will remember your courage, as we lay your sting-riddled corpse to rest, so horribly distended by the effects of massive amounts of bee venom that dental records were required to identify you (you were going to need a root canal and a couple of minor fillings, incidentally, so you dodged a bullet there). You are the first, but certainly not the last, victim of a long and stripy war.

Posted by Adam @ 8:32 am on June 21st 2007

Bee threat status: worrisome

They’re murdering dogs. Your children are next.

The article also contains some excellent advice for dealing with the bee peril. In particular:

…stay away from all bees.

You know it’s good advice. We at The Crossed Pond don’t wish to cause unnecessary alarm but, for God’s sake, be terrified.

Our doom is near, it’s stripy and it makes honey.

Posted by Adam @ 12:52 pm on June 20th 2007

The bees are mocking us

Through their secret control of The Onion, they have put this story out to humiliate us.

Don’t be fooled. Bees are pure stripy pollen-obsessed evil.

Hat-tip: Laura.

Posted by Adam @ 9:07 pm on June 13th 2007

The past holds the solution to the bee menace

We have been concerned, with good reason, about the rise of the bee menace. Not content with ruining our economy and food supply by pretending to die off in large numbers, they have started to adopt aggressive tactics in their mission to dominate the open spaces of this Great Country. It can only be a matter of time until they use cloning and selective breeding techniques, of the type that our short-sighted luddite governments prefer to deny us, and create a race of hideous dino-bees.

Well, fear not. Birds eat bees. At least, I am pretty sure that they can. If they are hungry enough. And, sure as fossilised eggs is eggs, hideous dino-birds eat hideous dino-bees.

The time is now. Paging Jeff Goldblum, star of hideous genetic manipulation movies. Your country may need you.

Posted by Rojas @ 11:44 am on May 23rd 2007

Stingrays: bees of the deep?

First they offed the Crocodile Hunter. Now it seems that they’ve also murdered the Jesus Shark:

The joint Northern Ireland-U.S. research, being published Wednesday in the Royal Society’s peer-reviewed Biology Letter journal, analyzed the DNA of a shark born in 2001 in the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, Nebraska. The shark was born in a tank with three potential mothers, none of whom had contact with a male hammerhead for at least three years.

The baby was killed within hours of its birth by a stingray in the same tank. Analysis of its DNA found no trace of any chromosomal contribution from a male partner.

Shark experts said this was the first confirmed case in a shark of parthenogenesis, which is derived from Greek and means “virgin birth.”

We need to find out whether there’s collaboration afoot. Humanity cannot afford to let the bees develop a navy.

Posted by Adam @ 3:30 pm on May 21st 2007

Bees striking back

Despite concerns about the end of Western Civilisation as we know it, originating in the mysterious deaths of hives (a situation so serious that only agricultural subsidies might solve it), we should perhaps be more concerned about a bee take-over. Initial salvos in the Great Battle of the Age, between bee and human, are being fired as the nation slumbers, ignorant of the Great Stripy Nectar-Loving Menace.

Six legs bad, my friends. Bee vigilant.

Posted by Rojas @ 11:01 am on April 15th 2007

Bee afraid

Some of the most hilarious congressional testimony of the past thirty years has come from the lobbying organizations associated with American beekeepers. If the quinennial farm bill is the Olympics of Pork, then these boys are the gold medal winners. Every five years, we get to hear how the honey subsidy is the only thing preventing the complete die-off of all agriculture in America, as the domesticated bee population is responsible for most crop pollination, and gosh darn it, the lil’ buggers can’t make it on their own. I’m not exaggerating; the bee lobby’s rhetoric, particularly in the mid-1980s, really has included apocalyptic claims of this sort. The University of Kansas debate team achieved significant competitive success during that time period using positions built around the wilder claims of honey-subsidy enthusiasts. (more…)

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