Posted by Adam @ 1:40 pm on April 17th 2015

Bee escape foiled

Bees overturn prison truck in attempt to escape

A tearful salute to the brave firefighters who were wounded as they formed a thin orange line (with yellow hats) against our ancient foes. Death to the bees.

Posted by Adam @ 8:05 am on June 28th 2014

Kill the bees. Later

It’s clear that bees are scum who must each die a thousand deaths (which is a satisfyingly large total of bee deaths, aggregated across the total bee population) but that is not to say that they do not have their uses. Reports of bees and snakes driving Boko Haram out of forest stronghold illustrate that even the most appalling of creatures can occasionally fight towards the cause of good. By accident, say, or as part of a power struggle amongst the forces of evil.

If it were just Boko Haram and bees in there, of course, one might favour more robust area-effect solutions, but we must mercifully stay our hand where the area is shared with others. This is not — far from it — an endorsement of the stripy menace, any more than feeding Chicago-style pizza to your enemies is an endorsement of the culinary abomination, but a statement of necessity. We can always kill the bees afterwards, in any case.

And we should. The Bees Must Die.

Posted by Adam @ 8:40 pm on June 20th 2014

The stripy menace-industrial complex

Is there anything that can’t be made worse by the Federal Government? The Obama administration — or should I say, “Obeema administration” — is trying to stop that colony collapse disorder thing, aka (in these parts) “humanity’s last best hope from beetastrophe”.

I am not one for over-reaction, but I demand that Darrell Issa start impeachment proceedings immediately.

Posted by Adam @ 9:00 pm on July 2nd 2013

Taking the long view

It might be, like cockroaches and Chicago Cubs fans, that bees will be hard to stamp out in spite of all that is done to them. We may control their numbers by ensuring they never win a World Series or by spraying both them and their environs with pesticide, but they’ll always be there in the shadows dreaming of baseball success or a particularly tasty pile of food refuse, or possibly both.

I think you get my point.

Anyhow, looking ahead a billion years, the sun is going to get much more luminous and as a result the earth is going to get much, much hotter. The seas will evaporate, producing a thicker mantle of heat-trapping water vapour in our atmosphere until only the microbes can survive.

I just hope I live long enough to see the bees fry.

Posted by Adam @ 8:05 pm on June 27th 2013

Bees will break your heart

Honey from rhododendron nectar can cause heart problems.


Posted by Adam @ 11:29 pm on June 21st 2013

Connecting the dots with stripes

Humanity’s primary enemies are bees. Like the revulsion all right-thinking people feel towards Chicago-style pizza, our bee-animosity is learnt early on in life and held dear to our quailing hearts so that we might smite them wherever they raise their disgusting, stripy bodies, smite them with the very vengeance and pure burning anger of the Hellfires until they are cast to the wind as ashes of pure evil and the children, our sweet children, may one day grow up in a world without bees (where we are informed that the supermarkets will be able to condense their fruit and vegetables section to make more room for bacon, beer and (at least in some states, like California) liquor).

However, we should not allow our righteous bee-directed fury to blind us to other threats from the so-called “natural world”. I present to you, for your disgust and horror, the sheep-eating plant. Yes, really. It eats sheep.

But, you might say, bees don’t eat sheep, why are you worried? Don’t be so easily fooled, I say. Do you know who else didn’t eat sheep?


You know who else likes plants?


I think that my point is made, and well.

Posted by Adam @ 3:58 pm on June 11th 2013

Most boring bee news story ever?

Straight from the presses in steamy Houston, the most boring bee story ever. I am going to paste it in full in case the bee censors take it down at some future date.

There are bees flying through the walls of Victoria Azpuru’s home in west Houston.

She said they have returned three times in thirty years. At 74 years old, she nor her 79 year old sister, can get rid of them.

Azpuru just had surgery on her hand and a medical condition keeps her from going outside to do anything about it. She told Local 2, “I saw new bees and old ones buzzing, buzzing around and I got scared and came out because I’m allergic to bees.”

Azpuru called Local 2 and we called bee removal expert Claude Griffin at Gotcha Pest Control.

He went outside and quickly spotted the problem. Griffin said, “They may have imbedded themselves behind that chimney, behind that siding, in that corner and there’s a little moisture coming in.”

Griffin left her home on Suffolk Chase Lane in west Houston Monday to plan his attack. He planned to remove the bees on Friday.

He said the ants near an electrical transformer in the backyard could become a problem too. He was also trying to find a way to get her grass cut.

So, a nice tale of how the local news station did something about the bees, described in a tedious story some editor insisted was written to justify the expense of a couple of cans of wasp killers and a long broom, right?

You couldn’t be wronger if you were dressing your chihuahua in lingerie, giving it a Hitler moustache and then taking it to a Turkish bath.

Think about it. This is how they will take over and replace our way of life. One day it’s boring stories about feeble old folks getting their little “bee problem” solved by The Man Who Can, next minute your vigilance has lapsed and you’ve turned your eyes away to the pictures of bikini-clad celebrities on the right hand side of every Daily Mail webpage (don’t look! You’ll be trapped clicking on celebrity midriffs for an hour. So someone told me. Yes. Someone. Someone else) and while you weren’t paying attention giant bee complexes have appeared where human slaves toil endlessly in the nectar factories as their stripy overlords buzz, buzz, buzz and plot, plot, plot to cross breed us with flowers and create mobile nectar units for their perpetual sugary pleasure.

Today, nuisance bee stories. Tomorrow, you’ll be a full-service ambulatory bee truckstop.

Kill them all with fire.

Posted by Adam @ 8:45 pm on June 10th 2013

A little cup and a copy of Playbee

Sperm bank for bees?

Worst. Idea. Ever.

Posted by Cameron @ 9:39 pm on October 29th 2011

The story of B

Weirdly, I’m going to start with math. So hold on. Who remembers high school algebra? The slope of a line has a pretty simple little formula: Y = M*X + B. In this, M is the slope of the line and B is the spot where the line crosses the vertical (y) axis. Think about a line that is very simple: y=x this means that when y=1, x=1 and when y=2, x=2 which is going to make a line that goes out at a 45 degree angle equally in both the vertical and horizontal directions. The spot where it’s going to cross the y axis is 0 because there’s no alteration of B. Since B is zero and since y=x and when x=0, y=0 so the spot where the line crosses the y axis is 0. Now picture the new equation y=x+1. In this when y=1, x=2 and when y=2 x =3. The spot where this crosses the y axis is 1. The whole line is moved up a spot from the y=x line. It’s not very complicated but that little number has a lot of power in shaping the line. Remember this for a few minutes.

As the GOP primary season ramps up, the idea of a flat tax is getting tossed around. A flat tax seems like a simple enough idea where everybody pays the same rate of tax independently of income. Those that earn more will pay more in dollars but not percent of income.

It’s put forth as a simplification of the extremely convoluted system that we currently operate under. As a bit of a primer, the current system has a tiers where higher rates are paid on earnings above various thresholds. It’s always bugged me when people complain about being in a higher tax bracket. They aren’t really. Only the income above that bracket is in the higher tax bracket. For instance, consider a system with two brackets. The first is for money under $30,000 with a 10% rate and the second is for money above $30.000 at a 20% rate. If you earn $40,000, you’ll pay 10% on the first $30,000 and 20% on the last $10,000 for a total of $5,000. What this doesn’t mean is that if you earn $30,001 you’ll pay 20% on the entire amount. You’ll only be paying that higher marginal rate on that single dollar.

If the system was only as complicated as these tiers of variable rates, it would fill no more than a few paragraphs. The real complexity of the tax codes come in the numerous exceptions and write-offs and credits and all the other fruits of labor of the lobbyists who’ve succeeded in carving out niches of benefits for their clients.

So a flat tax is commonly suggested as a solution to this tax code bloat by folks with a more economically conservative bent. There are some reasonable objections to be made to such a cut and dry system though. Because of their more limited means, the poor will pay a higher percentage of their operating budgets in taxes than the wealthy. It’s a compelling argument to tilting the tax code so that those who earn the least pay less in real percentile terms. The way this is currently accomplished is with a combination of tax credits and low rates for the first portion of income.

The thing is, this could be accomplished with a flat tax remarkably easily. If the goal is something simple yet still somewhat beneficial to the poor, a simple straight line system with zero allowed exemptions or credits could be wonderful. I might be willing to allow some write-offs, but let’s assume that are none in the following example with a a tax code written like this in its entirety:

All income earned per person in excess of $20,000 per year shall be taxed at a rate of 20%.

So let’s do some math: somebody making straight minimum wage would earn $15,080 per year and would pay nothing in taxes for a rate of 0%. Somebody making $30,000 would pay $2,000 (20% of the amount above the threshold which is $10,000) for a rate of 6.6%. Somebody making 60,000 would pay $6,000 in taxes for a rate of 10%. Somebody making $1,020,000 per year would pay $200.000 in taxes for just shy of a 20% rate.

So there you go, a progressively tiered rate system built into a flat income tax system. Best of both worlds, no?

The cool thing is that $20,000 could be anything we want. If you hark back to the math at the beginning, you’ll recall that B has some power. That starting point of the income tax is nothing more than B. If B is zero, everybody pays 20% which is what is often understood to be the classic flat tax system. But if that value is moved it up to just $8,000, the system would be set up to that those earning the minimum wage pay just about half the rate of everybody else (in a graduated change, as we saw above). If it were made $50,000, it would be a a system where very few paid taxes higher than single digits.

The question of the value of B and at what angle the line should move upward at are policy questions. A flat tax can be as nearly as distorted and as unfair as our current system, but it’s a bit of a misnomer to represent a flat line as always y=mx as opponents of a flat tax generally do. There is a B, and B matters.

Posted by Adam @ 9:58 am on October 27th 2011

Self-sacrifice urgently required in Utah.

There has been a bee-tacular disaster in Utah. 20 million bees, hopefully destined for a furnace, have broken free from a truck in Utah.

20 million! That’s about seven bee stings per Utah resident. Which seems like a lot, but I think we can rely on our plucky Western brethren to take the hit for Team USA. Men in New York Town a-bed will count their manhood less, etc, etc.

Posted by Adam @ 9:20 pm on August 15th 2011

Pingback spam gone

I leave the blog in the hands of my co-bloggers for two short years and find that thousands of pingback spams have appeared on some of the old posts from before we disabled pingback site-wide.

All deleted now.

Spammers are the bees of the internet. And will die like dogs. Dogs that have been crossed with bees.

Posted by Adam @ 12:29 pm on August 10th 2011

In the war between bee and moth, There Can Bee Only One

The foolish Chinese are attempting to deal with their moth problem by releasing 600 million bees.

This reminds me of the time I shaved my beard using a flame thrower. Except I never did that, because it would be stupid.

I think my point is made.

Posted by Rojas @ 1:02 pm on August 3rd 2011

Do Bees Have Feelings?

So asks Scientific American. The answer, in case you were wondering, is: No. No, they do not. And they are scum. And I hate them.

Posted by Adam @ 5:53 pm on May 9th 2011

Doubling down on idiocy

Obviously concerned that people mistakenly put on the no-fly list will be able to catch trains instead, Sen. Chuck Shumer has proposed extending the no-fly list to cover AMTRAK as well, except presumably it’ll be called the no-overpriced-but-highly-subsidised-trainride list.

The country will not be safe until people with common arabic names, plus boyscouts, are all placed under house arrest.

Meanwhile, research into the stripy menace is sabotaged.

Posted by Brad @ 9:54 am on October 7th 2010

Honeybee Hive Collapse Agent Found

Where can I get me some of this fungus-virus supercompound?

Posted by Brad @ 3:57 pm on September 2nd 2010

Man(kind)’s Best Friend

We post a lot about which animals are gathering on the horizon to feast on the innards of man and try to usurp our natural place on God’s throne. However, not all in the animal kingdom are our enemies.

Man’s Worst Friend, the stripey menace, tried to attack and kill a 9-year-old boy in Kent, Ohio. And they might have succeeded…had Pinky the Boxer dog not stepped in.

Posted by Rojas @ 5:12 pm on June 27th 2010

The stripy-est blasphemers

Do they know no shame? Humanity’s swarming enemy now descends to mockery of our religious iconography:

If there’s anything worse than a bee, it’s a bee with an NEA grant.

h/t: Sullivan

Posted by Brad @ 1:23 pm on May 25th 2010

Prison Transport Carrying 17 Million Prisoners Crashes; Humanity Doomed?

The invasion has begun. In Minnesota.

Posted by Adam @ 8:55 pm on February 1st 2010

Bee assassins invade schools

It’s bad enough having bees scheming to take away our world and all we hold dear, but using them as contract muscle to resolve disputes between children?

An Indonesian schoolboy who was facing “serious abuse” charges for causing a bee to sting a classmate has been cleared by a court, reports say.

The boy, believed to be about nine years old, had allegedly placed the bee on a girl’s face where it stung her.

Her parents reported him to the police who arrested him. He faced up to three years in prison.

Lock up the diminutive species traitor and throw away the keys, I say.

Posted by Adam @ 9:45 pm on December 14th 2009

Bees develop invasion routes

In a rare victory for the forces of All That Is Good, the silver-haired black Epeoloides pilosula — a species of bee, foul nectar-loving, freedom-hating socialist pigdog threats to all that is good — was thought extinct.

Alas. The bastards are back, courtesy of power line corridors in New England. These corridors, ostensibly created to connect human residences to electrical power, are revealed too late as a network of invasion paths for the bee menace, small stripy cylons* with a Plan.

We’re doing it to ourselves.

*Note how close to “pylons” that word is? Coincidence? I think not.

Posted by Brad @ 3:14 pm on November 24th 2009

Threat of Biological Warfare Looms as New Zealand Stockpile is Stolen

Some kiwi potential terrorist has nicked over a million bees.

Thieves have rustled more than million bees from a Matamata beekeeper.

John Tyler lost 28 hives, and their 1.125 million industrious inhabitants, in the November 7 or 8 robbery from a Te Poi farm paddock, the Matamata Chronicle reported.

Each hive contained about 50,000 bees, weighed 25 kilograms and was worth about $7500.

The robbery of his winged workers, requiring at least two men and a truck, has left a bitter taste in Mr Tyler’s mouth.

The hives were not insured.

“(I’m) stunned, I suppose. I’m pretty upset,” he told the newspaper.

If you’re wondering, that’s a black market value of a nickel a bee.

Posted by Adam @ 3:11 pm on November 5th 2009

The perfect crime

Dude goes up to stick it to the bees. Later, he is found dead. The Medical Examiner fell for it hook, line and honey-coated sinker:

Larry Cameron of the Medical Examiner’s office told CBS4 News, “The man’s death was not in any way caused by bees. He had hardening of the arteries. He had a heart attack.”

Fortunately, the story does have a happy ending:

After Acosta died on the roof, the apartment complex managers called in the company, Bird & Bee Removal, to get rid of the bees. “We got rid of all of them by spraying them with chemicals,” said company spokesman Rolando Calzadilla.

Good man. However, Rolando takes nothing for granted and takes pains to point out:

He said there could be other hives as well.

Bee vigilant, my friends.

Posted by Rojas @ 2:57 am on July 14th 2009

Stripy Menace Update

Add the British hotel industry to the list of collaborators and species traitors.

Posted by James @ 6:16 pm on June 21st 2009

“Hi, I’m a PC.”

Chuckle of the day.

Posted by Adam @ 2:47 pm on February 5th 2009

Bees know no borders

Lou Dobbs must be smiling like a smug, self-satisfied, tedious, undertalented and overimportant sanctimonious blowhard* as 60 000 illegal immigrant Italian bees are discovered in Florida, where they are doubtless stealing the resources that would otherwise go to decent, upstanding, English-speaking American bees. Alas, they are being allowed to stay, once again profiting the Roman Catholic Church:

The bees will be kept alive and used for pollination. And the St. Nicholas Monastery will use the massive honeycomb that was found to make candles.

It’s only a matter of time before terrorists creep into the country under cover of the bee menace.

*It seems like a safe bet. Depending on how much and when he sleeps and whether he smiles in his sleep.

Posted by Brad @ 4:22 pm on November 8th 2008

The End of The Hive

Rowan Jacobsen, who has written a book on the end of the honeybee, on how mankind can survive once the stripey menace has been vanquished.

No mass starvation, because the grains that make up the bulk of our diet are not at risk. (Wind-pollinated.) So wed have corn, bread, oatmeal, etc. And certain fruits, such as grapes, are wind-pollinated or self-fertilizing.

And then theres human pollination, as theyre doing in China. (Take millions of peasants, hand them bundles of chicken feathers, and let them climb through the fruit trees, touching every flower with a bit of pollen from a bucket.) What wed have is extraordinarily high prices for most of the fruits and vegetables that provide our vitamins and antioxidants, if they could be found at all. And the beef and dairy industry, as Michael Pollan has pointed out, is switching more and more away from natural forage to corn, even though corn makes cattle sick, because its cheaper to feed corn and administer antibiotics to sick cattle than it is to use nature pasture. So wed still have a beef industry, though a freaky one.

We’ll never be truly secure until we have a bee-free economy. We need an Al Gore led initiative to make America pollination-independent.

Or, we can continue to have this:

Posted by Rojas @ 8:00 pm on September 27th 2008

The stripy menace: our days are numbered

While we’ve all been distracted by such trivia as the Presidential election and the complete collapse of the economy, mankind’s greatest enemy has been patiently plugging away. Now comes the news that not only do they outnumber us mammals, they will soon be aware of the fact, as they have apparently discovered mathematics.

En garde, America! The only thing worse than a bee is a bee with an abacus.

Posted by Adam @ 1:18 pm on May 20th 2008

First they came for the hikers

A new outrage in the eternal bee-man war as bees push a man off a cliff:

The man, who is in his early 30s, was hiking alone around 5:30 p.m. when he left the trail to hike up a gully and was ambushed by hundreds of bees.

“He was waving his shirt and then he was actually just full of bees,” said hiker Ken MacKenzie, who witnessed the incident.

After the guy fell 200 feet down a ravine, the bees followed and apparently attempted to feast on his flesh:

Phoenix police Officer Craig Churella was the first responder. He tried to reach the hiker but was forced to retreat.

“He was absolutely covered in bees. It was quite the sight. I couldn’t get any closer — they started attacking me,” Churella said.

How much more of this must we endure before America wakes up to the threat of the stripy invaders?

Posted by Adam @ 1:24 pm on April 15th 2008

Our salvation is stripy

The Asian Giant Hornet can apparently murder huge numbers of honeybees (disturbing youtube video with angry fighting music soundtrack here).

Lest we forget the bees’ evil ingenuity, however, note the behaviour of the Japanese honeybee as described in the wikipedia article:

When a hornet scout locates and approaches a Japanese honey bee hive it will emit specific pheromonal hunting signals. When the honey bees detect these pheromones, a hundred or so will gather near the entrance of the nest and keep it open, apparently to draw the hornet further into the hive or allow it to enter on its own. As the hornet enters the nest, a large mob of about five hundred honey bees surrounds it, completely covering it and preventing it from moving, and begin quickly vibrating their flight muscles. This has the effect of raising the temperature of the honey bee mass to 47 C (117 F). The honey bees can just tolerate this temperature, but the hornets cannot survive more than 45 C (113 F), and die. Often several bees perish along with the intruder, but the death of the hornet scout prevents it from bringing reinforcements which could wipe out the colony

For every solution, a problem.

Posted by Adam @ 12:33 pm on April 8th 2008

The International Bee Conspiracy continues government subversion operations

Not satisfied with infiltrating the American government, the International Bee Conspiracy has commenced operations against their British counterparts. As usual, the bees have their human puppets on hand to make supportive statements:

Tim Lovett, president of the British Beekeeping Association, said: “Beekeeping is still reeling from the varroa mite, which carries a number of viruses and which devastated thousands of hives across the country when it reached Britain ten years ago. Now there is a real danger that colony collapse disease – which has wiped out 80 per cent of bees in parts of the US – will appear in this country. Unless we develop effective protection, there could then be massive losses of bees across the country.”

So, they won’t just be taking over the world and relegating humanity to the status of honeymine slave, they’ll be using our tax money to do it. Why not just hand them a gas stove to heat the testicle forks we already sent them, hmm?

Next Page