Posted by Rojas @ 8:50 pm on July 5th 2013

Happy X-Day!

In 1990, as a college student, I became an ordained minister of the Church of the SubGenius. A sort of combination parody religion, anti-work philosophy and cheesy sci-fi novel, the church held as one of its key tenets the belief that, on July 5 1998, the Angelic Host From Planet X would arrive in their spaceships, carrying off all of the chosen, dues-paying members of the Church to paradise among the stars, while you fools all fried in hell on earth.

In the years leading up to the date of our liberation, the Church achieved a reasonably elevated position at the fringes of pop culture and a very visible presence on UseNet, which is what stupid people had before whatever stupid people have now. The cult would gather on July 5 at various campsites in New England, partying it up in anticipation of our ultimate victory.

Ultimately, when the great day arrived, the saucers didn’t. Reviewing the source material created by the alleged founder of the faith, J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, founder Ivan Stang discoved that he had been reading the cocktail napkin upside down all this time, and that the aliens were, in fact, due on July 5 of the year 8661. He was tarred, feathered, and thrown in a lake by his followers.

Some of you may laugh, but I still have the ordination card, and I’m holding it in anticipation of turning the tables on you gullible fools. X-Day is coming, chumps. Only 6648 years to go. The last laugh WILL be mine.

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