Posted by Rojas @ 9:52 pm on January 24th 2012

State of the Union Liveblog

Too quiet around here lately. My excuse is that I’m dedicating all my free time and resources to the creation of a competitive Quidditch team; what’s yours?


  1. On his way into the chamber, the President is openly eating a live puppy. Dalmatian, I think; hard to tell through all the blood. Congressmen recoil in horror.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:06 pm

  2. Thumb to the eye of Justice Ginsburg; kicks Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) directly in the face. Presumably attempting to demonstrate his relative youth and vigor, thereby creating a contrast with potential Republican nominee Gingrich.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:09 pm

  3. Straight-up bitchslaps Biden. A dramatic demonstration of firm leadership.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:10 pm

  4. The speech begins with a solid ninety seconds of profanity…not directed at any particular person, but rather, just a steady stream of cuss words, all of which he appears to be reading directly off of a notecard in his left hand. Unconventional but probably effective as an attention getter.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:12 pm

  5. A brief pause in the profanity to wipe the puppy-blood off of his mouth with the American flag.

    And now, straight back to cussing. Pretty impressive; he’s now several minutes in and hasn’t used any individual vulgarity twice.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:14 pm

  6. Boehner leaps to his feet in bipartisan solidarity and performs a series of flawless pirouettes.

    The lilac shade of his ballet slippers is very becoming.

    He settles back into his seat lightly, ready to dance again at the slightest provocation.

    Comment by Liz — 1/24/2012 @ 10:16 pm

  7. Now getting to the part where he recognizes individual guests in the crowd; second mentioned is the rotting corpse of Osama bin Laden. TV shot reveals him/it propped up in the gallery, with abundant sea-bottom life still clinging to the leathery, green-tinged skin. Unanimous applause from the Democrats; hesitant reaction from the GOP.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:19 pm

  8. Okay, the podium-pounding clearly a bit excessive on the health care bit. Once is a demonstration of determination and firm purpose; four times is pushing it.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:21 pm

  9. “Let me be clear: I am not not wanting to have not been not surrendering unconditionally to North Korea.” Lukewarm reaction.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:23 pm

  10. Buggy whip subsidy; demand for the nationalization of Standard Oil.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:25 pm

  11. The Dem side of the aisle hold up a bunch of cards over their heads, then turn them over in perfect sychronicity, forming an image of Obama’s face. Okay, I gotta admit, that was cool.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:27 pm

  12. Proposes a preemptive airstrike on the Yellowstone volcanic caldera, “you know, just in case it decides to get uppity.” Unexpected; demonstrates a willingness to use force, and the Republicans can’t persuasively counter him given their own rhetoric on Iran. Clinton-style triangulation…Hillary’s influence? Biden still trying to claw his way back to his feet after that smackdown half an hour ago. Looking more and more like a change in the #2 spot on the ticket.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:30 pm

  13. Boehner really getting out of hand with the balletics at this point. Somebody needs to reduce his sugar intake. Okay, we get it, you’re spry for your age.

    Obama now back to whacking the podium like it’s a speed bag.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:32 pm

  14. Proposal that states require every student to stay in school until graduation or the age of 18…okay, I was just putting you on on that one. That’d be wildly unrealistic.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:33 pm

  15. Suggests putting students who drop out before 18 to provide those boots on the ground on the border.

    That’ll learn ’em to stay in school.

    Comment by Liz — 1/24/2012 @ 10:36 pm

  16. Declaring that college tuition costs are on a “literal rocket to the moon”, Obama deftly pivots to a proposal that we outsource NASA’s manned exploration budget to college tuition costs in order to establish a permanent lunar colony. Nice effort to steal Gingrich’s thunder, but it’s somewhat disturbing that he appears to think “college tuition costs” is either a person or a corporate entity of some kind.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:39 pm

  17. “The only job I’m gonna outsource is Mitt Romney’s!” Howls from the Democratic gallery: “Oh, BURN!” “SNAP!!!” “Oh no he DID-unh!!!”

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:42 pm

  18. Cool potato gun demonstration.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:44 pm

  19. The members of the Supreme Court in attendance break out a bag of peanut M&Ms and starts passing them down the line.

    Justice Roberts only likes the green ones.

    Comment by Liz — 1/24/2012 @ 10:46 pm

  20. “I have devised a plan to increase natural gas production in this country.” Predictably follows this up by farting audibly. Gets some guffaws, but seems to be losing his momentum a bit.

    Abruptly declares a “short intermission” featuring a short piano recital by Leon Panetta; wanders offstage to recuperate.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:48 pm

  21. Okay, Panetta clearly didn’t practice his piano lesson this week. I think that’s supposed to be the theme from “Hill Street Blues” but it’s hard to be sure.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:49 pm

  22. Jesus. This is just…awkward. Clearly nobody wants to say anything for fear of hurting Leon’s feelings. But jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick…

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:50 pm

  23. Luckily, Mitch McConnell has his trusty accordian stashed under his chair and he breaks into a rolicking rendition of Flo Rida’s Good Feeling.

    Comment by Liz — 1/24/2012 @ 10:51 pm

  24. Okay, that’s definitely Chopsticks. Somebody get the hook already. And no mystery who threw that green M&M.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:52 pm

  25. Polite applause as McConnell wraps up and as Leon’s mom wanders up, red-faced, and collects him.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:53 pm

  26. Obama returns with something lumpy in a canvas sack; begins ranting about the poor quality of the deli tray in his dressing room.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:55 pm

  27. “Let me be clear, Idaho: I do not want your ugly little votes. I will not accept them if offered. I am offended by the very idea that vermin such as yourself would even CONSIDER humiliating me with your support. Fuck your stupid potatoes and fuck each and every one of you assholes.”

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:57 pm

  28. A confused and disoriented Bernie Sanders (I-VT) wanders into the aisle and has to be guided back to his seat.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 10:59 pm

  29. In a, perhaps misguided, effort to build trust between the parties, Obama insists that everyone break off into pairs and do trust exercises.

    McCain falls backwards confidently and gracefully into Lieberman’s arms

    John Kerry drops Scott Brown.

    Comment by Liz — 1/24/2012 @ 11:02 pm

  30. Starts pounding the podium again for emphasis while discussing tax reform; interrupted by the melodic strains of Ke$ha’s “Tic Tock” from his cell phone. Seeing the incoming number, he holds up an index finger: “hold on, folks, I gotta take this one.”

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 11:04 pm

  31. On a positive note, Biden seems to have made his way back to his feet.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 11:05 pm

  32. Geithner absently ponders the wisdom of Hillary Clinton’s choice to wear a headband, even as he admires her accomplishments.

    Comment by Liz — 1/24/2012 @ 11:07 pm

  33. “Dropping Scott Brown” would be a cool euphemism for taking a crap.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 11:09 pm

  34. That aside, a relatively strong segment on foreign affairs. I particularly liked his new formulation of our “smart power” strategy: “America must learn to forgive her enemies. And then kill them.”

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 11:11 pm

  35. A sweet gesture of conciliation as the President offers a still-concussed Biden what’s left of the Dalmatian puppy. Biden shies away, uncertain and clearly wary of the prospect of further abuse.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 11:13 pm

  36. Wait…Seal Team Six took a big American flag with them on the Bin Laden mission? What the hell would they DO with the thing???

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 11:14 pm

  37. Somewhere in Florida, Mitt Romney begins his highly praised recitation of America the Beautiful.

    Comment by Liz — 1/24/2012 @ 11:16 pm

  38. Summary statement: “America is a dream. A dream stitched together out of fairy dust, rainbows and unicorns. Live unicorns; writhing unicorns; often, unwilling unicorns. But unless those unicorns choose to be team players–unless the unicorns of our own destinies choose to be part of that vast tapestry–American cannot be all that it can be, and the dream remains unfulfilled. Let us all seek to sedate our own inner unicorns, with bombs if necessary, that the dream may not die.” Compelling.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 11:18 pm

  39. Obama smacks the podium twice more. Then he reaches into the canvas sack, withdraws a ball-peen hammer, and drives it down onto the podium, reducing it to splinters. He leaves amidst wild cheering.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 11:19 pm

  40. OVERALL GRADE: C+. I thought he offered red meat to his base while reaching out to the critical center and hitting a home run with undecided voters in key demographics game changer fastball pitch sports analogy.

    Shoulda worn a different tie, though.

    Back to quidditch.

    Comment by Rojas — 1/24/2012 @ 11:24 pm

  41. 1. Nice liveblog. Makes me wish I’d seen it myself. I predict a massive coverup by the media; they’ll probably just report that he talked about the economy and crap like that.

    2. You and Liz make one heck of a liveblog team. Nicely done.

    Comment by Talarohk — 1/25/2012 @ 1:47 am

  42. What did I tell you. Here’s the “Word Cloud” from the speech:

    Not a single “puppy”, “unicorn”, or “fuck your stupid potatoes” in there. COVERUP!

    Comment by Talarohk — 1/25/2012 @ 1:49 am

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