Posted by Brad @ 2:28 pm on December 23rd 2009

The Disgraced-Public-Figure Holiday Form Letter

Been at tough year for celebrities. Slate tries to make the job of writing Christmas cards a bit easier for them.

Dear Friends:

[Start with a light and self-deprecating tone to prove that, hey, you do still have a sense of humor. Then lead in with some positive news, if there is any.]

Happy holidays! It’s been quite a year, especially if you believe my (blackmailer/wife’s publicist/tabloid stories/wiretaps/text messages)! Seriously, 2009 wasn’t all bad. Don’t forget I did (win six PGA tournaments/get two Grammy nominations/clinch the World Series/have eight babies)!

[Be sure to get the elephant in the room out of the way early.]

Of course, I regret the (racketeering/Ponzi scheme/sex tape/award show microphone-snatching/affair/affairs/many, many affairs). I can only blame (myself/my insane Alaskan baby-grandma/that one paparazzo who looked like a zombie/the sushi-induced mercury poisoning). Certainly, I’m not above going on (trial/Larry King/I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here/methadone/Twitter) to clear my name.

[Address the family situation as delicately as you can.]

As for (justifiably angry spouse), I’m continually amazed by her (strength/loyalty/ability to wield a pitching wedge). We’ll be spending the holidays in (counseling/the depths of my pathetic shame/meetings to plan our next attempt at reality television), which I know will make everyone feel better. The good news is the kids (are/seem/could be, who knows with the restraining order) fine! It will take more than the (auction of all of our belongings/constant Gawker posts/wrath of my Swedish mother-in-law/competing six-figure book deals) to get this family down.

[Attempt a positive look at the future.]

For now, though, I’m going to try to make the best of things. This year has given me a great appreciation for what matters, and I know I will never again (inject steroids/hike the “Appalachian Trail”/try to sell a Senate seat/promise someone other than my wife a rooftop wedding ceremony with the Dave Matthews Band).

[Close on a warm note, even if—face it—you may never hear from these people again.]

So here’s to you and yours! I know things will get better. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that time flies when you’re (on house arrest in a Swiss chalet/dating Kate Hudson/sentenced to 150 years in prison). And it could be worse! At least I’m not (Tiger, Blago, Kanye, Gov. Sanford, A-Rod, Jon or Kate, a Madoff, John Edwards, Whitney Houston—yes, she had a comeback, but aren’t you still glad you’re not Whitney Houston?).

Have a wonderful 2010, and remember to hold tight the ones you love, preferably those who still live in your house.

Warm regards from your,
Disgraced Public Figure

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